Juanita Irias Photography

I have dreams. Lots of dreams. Dreams that have been fulfilled. Dreams that are on the horizon. And then there are those dreams that seem as if they will never come true. They will never get the chance to blossom and fulfill my heart’s deepest desires. It makes me ache. It makes me hurt. At times it makes me almost angry.

Recently I’ve come to the conclusion that I focus too much on what isn’t. It taints all that God has done in my life and what He wants to continue to do if only I’ll let him. By focusing so much on what feels like an impossibility I’m not enjoying the fruit of what is. It wasn’t too many years ago that I dreamt of the day I would get married. I’ve been married for four and a half years now and at times I take it for granted. But that dream did come true. And I want to remember to savor every day of it.

It just feels at times as if the crushing numbness of the everyday will overtake me. The blend of days and weeks into each other that pass in the blink of an eye. Instead of making the most of each day I just look into the future. A future that might not look like I had envisioned it when I was twenty but is exactly what God has for me at this moment in time.

To learn to be content seems to be my biggest struggle. Is it something to be learned or is it something you choose to do? Unrealistic expectations on myself and others seem to bog me down. I have a mind that never stops. It goes on in a dizzying fashion thinking of problems, solutions, projects, chores, the what ifs and the why nots… To come to peace at the midst of the storm seems almost impossible at times but we’re told with God’s help everything is possible. He knows the desires of my heart and everything is in his timing…

I will not give up hope that God does indeed still have dreams for my life. He has not forgotten me. This is so true. I will believe it and remember it.

It’s cold here in this room. I’m sipping on my vanilla caramel latte while looking out at the dreariness of the day. Gray cloudy skies, slushy roads, and the lack of color make me appreciate the thought of spring even more.

I’m feeling blah. No inspiration. I want to take pictures. Make art. I want to feel inspired again. To feel the rush of an idea. The thrill after succeeding successfully.

I can’t seem to find it. I know it’s there. Buried beneath all the everyday tasks and demands. Maybe it too is waiting for the refreshing breath of spring to tease it’s senses.

Craving color….

Today is our 4th anniversary and I couldn’t feel more blessed. So much has happened in those four years that has shaped us into the people we are today. There have been so many great memories made. There have been times of perseverance. Difficult times that have only strengthened our relationship. And emerging on this day September 9, 2010,  I believe we are better together then ever before.

Our journey officially started on January 24, 2003. And yes, I remember the date.Our first date. We ate at an Italian restaurant where John amused me with his amazing pasta twirling skills. I remember going to the ladies room and reapplying lip gloss and smiling like a fool to myself. There were no nerves with him. Well, maybe a little as I had been getting ready at home but they passed as soon as he picked me up. Our first Valentine’s Day he cooked for me. My friends were all so impressed!I knew then that he was perfect. For me anyway!

I remember one late afternoon when John picked me up. All I knew was to be ready and dress casually, thathe  had a surprise for me. And if you know me at all, you know  that I can not handle not knowing something. The suspense was killing me as he started driving.We ended up at a small local airport where he had reserved a small plane for us. You see, I had never flown before! John loved flying and wanted so badly for me experience it. We flew over the area I had lived in all my life. Over my home, over his, over green hills and fields, over rivers, trees, and animals. Everything looked so much better from the air and to me it was magical. For him to care this much about me made me love him even more.

There were Saturday afternoons spent at the car wash because he really loved his car. It had to be immaculate. Hmm. Now that I stop to think about it, I’m currently the one washing our car. Which is why it’s never the cleanest as I’m just not quite as much of a neat freak.

There were days spent in the park. Trips to New York City and Glacier National Park. Watching him play onstage. Moments we laughed ourselves silly. And we still do! We are convinced nobody would understand our unique sense of humor and that’s why we try to keep it under wraps unless we’re by ourselves. We have to appear normal at least if nothing else. And maybe we don’t do too good a job of that either.

It all sounds so perfect. It really wasn’t. It was only as perfect as our lives here on earth can get. There were trying times. Hard times. And yes, it all sounds so dramatic, cause goodness, we were only dating! But it mattered to us. We grew as individuals. I grew up. We grew as a couple. And I realized it wasn’t only about me. Which all led to the proposal. On my twenty-first birthday, October 20, 2005. It involved a limo, champagne, my favorite restaurant, and our families. A night I will never forget.

(The picture above, our first pictures together. We look so young! And wow, my smile is so not real! I just realized that!)

Almost a year later we got married! Four years have gone by so fast! Two months after our wedding day John was in an accident. By the grace of God there was not even a scratch on him. I remember driving to the site shaking and praying like crazy. It was dark and there were flashing lights as I pulled up. Me crying when I saw the scene. He was in the ambulance, completely fine. I am so thankful for every day God has blessed him with. Thankful for every day I get to spend with him as his wife.

I’m a romantic. I love, love. There are so many things I could write about. So many things I could say. How much I love John, respect him, believe in him, adore him, how he’s my best friend and how I feel so honored he chose me.  But I believe I will wait and say them to John. After all, he loves me. Flaws and all.

And one more picture of us, the way we are now. Taken by my fabulous friend Sue.